POP!

Somehow, Mojo's belly got bigger overnight. She was big on Tuesday, but she was huge on Wednesday. I didn't check the belly on my sleeping bride this morning for fear of what I might find.

Nesting

It's remarkable that changes to the body affect both expectant parents, not only the mother. Besides getting fat, my brain chemicals are being altered. I now love the attachments I recently purchased for my vacuum cleaner. They're the best toys in the whole world. The little beaches of filth that had accumulated on the edges of each stair leading to my basement are now gone. The cobwebs that caught the light in mid afternoon have been sucked away.

If you want to kill off a block of my time, mention a layer of dust you saw recently in my home.

Hunter S. Thompson, RIP

This may be a bit off topic, but I just heard that my baby will be born into a world without Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter's son Juan found his body, rendered lifeless by a self inflicted gunshot wound. This is very disappointing news.

Weight Gain Is Good

Mojo's been worried for a while. Unlike most expectant mothers, she hasn't been gaining weight. When you include the baby parts and all the new fluids needed to keep them fresh, this means Mojo Proper has been shedding the pounds. On Wednesday, she went to the doctor to discover she's put on four pounds and her belly is at 32". She was blissed out with relief for the rest of the day.

Violence may be an issue

While putting on my shoes in the back room last night, I heard Mojo yell out from the living room. "Yeeeaoow!!" Being one of the world's most caring husbands, I rushed to her side to determine and eliminate the source of her distress.
"Whatever's the matter, beloved?"
"The damn baby just hoofed me in the pubic bone! OW!!"
Sadly, this was not an isolated incident. I think tough love may be the answer. You hear that baby?!? EYE FOR AN EYE TIME!!!

Happy Valentine's Day

On this, the most romantic day of the year, I have a special message for all my friends within city limits: Start porkin'! Baby needs a buddy!

Last night, Mojo and I had a family pot luck. There were two babies and a 4 year old. I've discovered how non-baby proof my home is. Given another hour, there would've been broken lamps and bloodshed. Mojo and I have some work to do.

Almost puked

Just got back from a prenatal class. We got to watch a bunch of birthing videos. Verrrry graphic. Mojo was having a lot of trouble watching it, which was amusing me to no end. I was fine with everything, finding it quite interesting and informative... until the placenta came shooting out. I'm still nauseous. The next 4 births we had to sit through were ruined as I was on edge waiting for more placenta to leap out. Meanwhile, Mojo's nails are digging into my hand since, for some reason, the images of vaginas being forced wide and taut with fluids and body parts squeezing out was causing her discomfort. Fun class.

Love or Loathing

Last night, I seranaded my baby through my wife's belly. My set included "Saskquatch" by Tenacious D and "Snowsuit" by Sloan. The baby was either dancing or trying vainly to flee. When I tried to drop some Public Enemy, Mojo put a stop to it.

Unborn Babies Can Be Scary

Just got back from the General Hospital. Mojo had a bit of a scare this morning ('lady business' - I won't go into details), so we decided, "better safe than sorry". Everythings cool, but it started out nice and tense. Good dry run for the real deal.

Pointy, Purple and Gross

That's what my baby's skull will look like when I first see it.

Pass the time

Mojo's bored. No money for fun. Baby forbids sinful ingestions. What to do?

-Go to free places, like libraries, art galleries, and courthouses.
-Talk to the plants. The baby will think you're talking to it. HA, STUPID BABY!!
-Dip your belly in molasses, lie on your back, throw sugar in the air and name the constellations that are formed on your stomach. Beware not to do this too often, or the baby will become arrogant. Centre of the universe and all that.
-Fart.
-Fart again.
-Stare at your neighbours house until they notice. This can kill a few days at a time.
-Sharpen sticks (known in some colloquialities as "whittlin'").
-Hide.